My Wife Doesn’t Know My Secret Sexual Pleasure. How Do I Tell Her Without Losing Her?
Dear Saynt,
I’ve been married for a while now, and by most measures, things are good. We love each other. We communicate about work, family, money, the boring-but-important stuff. Our sex life is… fine. Affectionate. Familiar. Safe.
But there’s a part of me she doesn’t know about.
For years, long before I met my wife, I discovered that I really enjoy anal play. Not in a casual, “maybe someday” way, but in a this genuinely turns me on and feels central to my sexuality way. I’ve explored it on my own, fantasized about it endlessly, and yes, the idea of my wife wearing a strap-on and topping me is something that lights me up more than almost anything else.
And I’ve never told her.
Part of me worries that this makes me less masculine in her eyes. Another part worries she’ll assume this means something about my sexual orientation that I’m not prepared to unpack with her. I’m terrified she’ll laugh, recoil, or worse, politely tolerate the conversation and then never touch me the same way again.
At the same time, keeping this secret feels like I’m leaving a whole room of my desire locked and unused. I don’t want to pressure her. I don’t want to shock her. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life pretending this part of me doesn’t exist.
So how do I tell her? How do I open this door without judgment, shame, or blowing up the marriage? And if I’m being honest… how do I ask her to strap on without making it sound like I’ve been hiding something dark or wrong?
—Loving, Nervous, and Secretly a Very Good Bottom
Dear Loving, Nervous, and Secretly a Very Good Bottom,
Ah. Welcome to one of the most common, and most misunderstood, confession letters I receive. Let me say this plainly, warmly, and without euphemism: liking anal play does not make you broken, deceptive, unmasculine, or secretly something you’re not. It makes you a human being with a prostate and a curiosity about pleasure.
Now let’s talk about the real issue here, because it’s not the strap-on.
The real issue is fear.
You’re afraid that revealing this desire will change how your wife sees you. And here’s the uncomfortable truth wrapped in a silk ribbon: it will change how she sees you. The question isn’t whether, it’s how, and whether that change can deepen intimacy instead of cracking it.
Here’s what not to do:
Don’t frame this as a confession of guilt.
Don’t lead with “I’ve been hiding something from you.”
Don’t present her with a fully formed fantasy and a shopping list of harnesses.
That approach puts her in the role of judge, therapist, and sudden kink concierge. Nobody gets wet like that.
Instead, you start with vulnerability, not logistics.
Try something closer to this:
“There’s a part of my sexuality I’ve been nervous to talk about because I care so much about how you see me. I don’t need you to do anything right now. I just want to let you know me more fully.”
This tells her three crucial things:
You trust her.
You’re not demanding immediate participation.
You’re inviting intimacy, not springing a trap.
Then, and only then, you talk about the desire itself. Calmly. Clearly. Without apology. You can say you enjoy anal play. You can say it feels physically intense and emotionally vulnerable. You can even say that the idea of her topping you feels erotic because you trust her and feel safe with her.
Notice what I didn’t say?
I didn’t say you have to convince her.
Here’s the part most people don’t want to hear: your wife is allowed to say no. And if she does, that doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask. It means you were honest.
But also, don’t underestimate her.
Many partners aren’t immediately opposed to a strap-on. They’re opposed to:
feeling blindsided
feeling pressured
feeling like their partner’s desire invalidates their own sexuality
Give her time. Let curiosity grow. Share an article. Joke gently. Let her ask questions. Let you answer without defensiveness.
And if she does say yes someday? Wonderful. Go slow. Talk about boundaries. Buy lube like you’re investing in a startup. And remember: the sexiest thing you can bring to that moment isn’t your ass, it’s your emotional availability.
You’re not asking for something shameful.
You’re asking to be known.
And that, darling, is the most intimate act there is. 💋
