I Know People Lose Their Virginity in Tamer Ways. But I Have a Wild Idea. Am I Crazy?
Dear Saynt,
I know this probably isn’t how most people imagine losing their virginity. When friends talk about their “first time,” it’s usually some awkward, semi-romantic story involving bad music, worse timing, and one other person. Mine doesn’t look like that at all.
Here’s the truth: I’m still a virgin, but I don’t feel sheltered or clueless. I’ve fantasized. I’m comfortable with my body. I’m curious about sex in a way that feels intentional, not rushed. And instead of wanting my first experience to be quiet or tentative, I keep coming back to an idea that feels… a bit insane.
I want to host a gangbang.
More specifically, I’ve been thinking about asking a small group of my closest friends to help me lose my virginity together. There’s something about turning this moment into a shared, consensual experience that feels powerful rather than embarrassing. I like the idea of being surrounded by people who care about me instead of putting all the pressure on one person and one night.
At the same time, I’m not oblivious to how wild this sounds. These are my friends. I worry about what might change afterward, how dynamics could shift, whether feelings could get complicated, or whether I’m underestimating the emotional weight of making my first sexual experience such a big one.
So I guess what I’m really asking is this: am I being reckless? Is this an empowered, sex-positive way to take control of my sexuality or am I trying to skip a step I shouldn’t?
I’d love an honest answer. No judgment, just perspective.
—Curious, Confident, and Maybe a Little Unhinged
Dear Wild Thing,
First—no, you’re not crazy. You’re imaginative, curious, and clearly not interested in letting your first sexual experience be a beige IKEA couch of a memory. That said, wanting something bold and actually being ready for it are two very different beasts, and part of my job is helping you tell them apart without killing your sparkle.
Let me slow this down and flesh out what you’re really asking.
You’re a virgin, yes, but you’re not naïve. You’ve fantasized. You trust your body. You trust your friends. You like the idea of turning a moment that’s usually private, awkward, and overhyped into something intentional, communal, and downright memorable. There’s a power fantasy here, but also vulnerability. You want agency over your “first time,” not a fumbled rite of passage you endure for the sake of a story.
That’s not nothing.
Here’s the hard truth, delivered with affection: your first sexual experience is less about the act and more about how your nervous system learns sex works. Not morally. Biologically and emotionally.
A gangbang, even one involving trusted friends, requires:
extraordinary communication
airtight consent (before, during, after)
emotional aftercare you can’t predict yet
the ability to advocate for your needs in the moment, not just in theory
And here’s the part people don’t like to talk about: friendships don’t always survive being sexualized in a group setting, even when everyone is enthusiastically consenting. Feelings change. Dynamics shift. Someone gets quieter. Someone gets attached. Someone realizes afterward that they wanted something different but didn’t know how to say it.
That doesn’t make the idea wrong. It makes it advanced-level sex.
Virginity isn’t a moral state, but it is a learning curve. Many people who thrive in group sex later are glad they had at least one experience where the focus was slower, more contained, and centered entirely on their sensations, not managing multiple energies, expectations, and emotional crosscurrents.
So let me offer you a reframe instead of a shutdown.
Ask yourself:
Do I want intensity or do I want to feel safe while being seen?
Am I doing this because it excites me now, or because I want to control the narrative of my virginity before anyone else gets to?
If I woke up the next day feeling tender, confused, or unexpectedly emotional, who would hold me and how?
If, after sitting with those questions, you still feel grounded, curious, and calm (not revved up, not proving anything), then the next step isn’t throwing a gangbang, it’s building sexual skills first. Communication. Boundaries. Saying “stop” out loud. Asking for what feels good. Receiving attention without dissociating. Those are sexy as hell, and they’re learned.
You’re allowed to want a wild story. Just make sure you’re not asking your first sexual experience to also be your first lesson in emotional triage.
And if you are going to do something bold someday? Do it because you’re ready to savor it, not because you’re trying to skip a step.
You’ve got plenty of time to be a legendary slut. 😘
