From Where I’m Standing, It’s Not Complicated. We Just Want You to Notice

I’ll say this gently, but honestly: a lot of women wish the men in their lives would bring a little more intention into the bedroom. Not acrobatics. Not porn-level theatrics. Just awareness. There’s this persistent idea that great sex requires fancy positions, novelty partners, or some secret technique no one’s taught you yet. In reality, many of us are craving something far simpler — and somehow, it still gets missed. Of course, everyone’s different. Desire is personal. Some people are into feet, some into role play, some into none of it at all. But there are patterns, and women talk to each other. And two things come up over and over again.

The first is praise.

Not performative flattery. Not awkward, scripted lines that sound like you Googled “dirty talk examples” five minutes ago. I mean genuine, present-moment appreciation — being told we’re wanted, beautiful, powerful, irresistible while it’s happening. There’s a reason this resonates so deeply. Sex professor Dr. Nicole K. McNichols explains that people with praise kinks are aroused by hearing affirming, complimentary language during intimacy. And she’s quick to add: this exists on a continuum. Who doesn’t like being told they’re hot, desired, or doing something right?

When a partner tells me I look incredible, or that I feel amazing, or yes, even calls me a “good girl” in a way that feels attuned rather than condescending, something in me opens. I’m more relaxed. More confident. More turned on. It’s not about ego. It’s about being seen.

And the truth is, many women don’t want to have to explain this like a PowerPoint presentation. We want it to feel organic, intuitive, not like we’re giving feedback after a performance and then high-fiving you for listening.

The second thing men often don’t realize is how much of our sexual lives happen with or without you.

A huge number of women engage in a form of self-pleasure that doesn’t look like what most people imagine when they hear the word “masturbation.” The trend now has a name — “broadening” — but it’s something many of us have been doing for years without labeling it.

It involves rubbing, pressing, or moving the entire vulva against a surface: a pillow, a mattress, a thigh, a couch arm. It’s not about hands or toys. It’s about pressure, rhythm, and engaging more of the clitoral structure, not just the external tip everyone fixates on.

Psychosexual therapist Natasha Silverman describes it as stimulating a larger surface area, activating deeper clitoral networks. And she notes how common it is, especially for women who began exploring pleasure early in life. Many don’t even realize it’s a “thing”, it’s just what works.

So no, there isn’t always a role for you in that exact moment, unless you’re willing to be the surface we grind against. But understanding that this exists matters. It reminds you that female pleasure isn’t mysterious or inaccessible, it’s just broader, more embodied, and less linear than you were probably taught.

None of this is meant as a lecture or a takedown. It’s an invitation.

Pay attention. Say what you’re thinking when it’s kind, genuine, and true. Understand that pleasure doesn’t always look the way movies told you it would. And remember: when women feel appreciated, desired, and free to enjoy their bodies without judgment, everyone benefits.

That’s really it.